Theme Shanty – ASS Apocalypse

(sung to the tune of Gilligan’s Island theme song)


Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful crew.  
It started here in Maryland, the A-S-S-C-O, the A-S-S-C-O

They started from a tropic isle, the Isle del Perdido. 
They took a left and now they’re lost, who knows where they will go, 
who knows where they will go

The captain’s name is Elegance, his fate is pure and true.  
The first mate’s name is Innocence, who knows if that is true, 
who knows if that is true

With Dirty Ernie fixing crap, the Spanish ships are doomed. 
The doctor’s fixing everyone, she’s got an evil brew, 
she’s got an evil brew

The boson’s always whipping us, the naviguesser’s lost.
We know they’ll work it out some how, but who knows what the cost, 
but who knows what the cost

Our Master at Arms is Farkin Ruud, we don’t let him ashore. 
Our gaoler’s always running off with some old Spanish whore, 
with some old Spanish whore

The looteneer and plunderette are stealing goods ashore.  
When they come back, we’ll turn them round, and send them back for more, 
we’ll send them back for more

The sail maker’s mending sails, she’s very, very slow.
The helmsman knows that we are lost, but gave up long ago, 
but gave up long ago

The cook is making up a stew, the cannoneer is armed.  
Our master gunner’s aim is off, he couldn’t hit a barn, 
he couldn’t hit a barn

This is a tale of Apocalypse, the tragedy is us. 
We’re lost, we’re tired, so just drink up! 
Nice ASS, get in the boat, Nice ASS get in the boat